What a Girl Wants — and what LEADERS should do (1 of 2)

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD LEADERS GONE? Or more apropos, where do they come from in the first place?

NOTE: I want to first and foremost thank St. Louis salsera Rochelle Calhoun for suggesting this as a topic for a blog posting. GREAT idea!

Recently, I was in Chicago visiting with my boyfriend’s family. Addict that I am, you better believe I found a way for us to sneak away from the family fun for a little salsa sass on our second night here. We went to a restaurant called Zocalo–super nice venue. Nice size floor. It was WAY too sticky for my taste but at least it was wood, clean, and clear of tables and other obstructions. There were maybe 40 people there which was enough to make the place look like it was poppin.

As a more experienced follower the first thing I did (after I put on my shoes and precisely calculated the coefficient-of-stickyness of the floor) was to look around and check out the dancers. On first glance I was not impressed. In fact, disappointed would be the best description. Oh well, I settled in to the fact that I would spend the night dancing right turns and cross body leads on the wrong stinkin beat. Sigh.

After a couple of sweet bachata’s and a fun salsa to “Lluvia” with Nsangou, I danced with a huge guy in his 50s who was wearing a black shirt that showed way too much chest. His hair was slick and fake black, and he unashamedly checked me out throughout our 3-minute dance together. Yuk. Ok, so now I thought, it will be basics and nasties–ladies can you feel me? Ever been subjected to that kind of night? Sometimes the best thing to do is just go home before you actually get MAD…

And then, by some miracle, out of nowhere came a really nice leader. He was a good deal shorter than I but we made it work, it was great fun, and I could tell he was feelin it. Thank GOD! Two seconds ago I was ready to peace out. Now, I had to stay a bit and see if there were others hiding like this guy. And sure enough, there WERE. I basically didn’t get to sit one out for the next hour. The moves weren’t WAY complicated, but tough enough to keep my imagination revving and roomy enough to let me play with the music (which was a nice mix ranging from pop to jazz). FUN! FUN! So, why weren’t those guys on the dance floor when I came in?

Well, it seems for this particular night there were actually MORE good leads than there were good follows. I know, seems unbelievable, huh? Believe it honey. And I was the recipient of this wonderful blessing from above, YESSSSS! As I thought about it more I wondered–how can we make this leader-heavy heaven a reality in St. Louis? If you notice, our community seems to be dominated by the same few good male dancers, while many many many more and different lady dancers work hard and mature to become quite nice movers and shakers. As a result, you can likely think of the top 20 followers in St. Louis. For the leaders, you might struggle to count beyond 15. No, maybe 10. Yikes!

Ok, my particular standards might be pretty tough (staying on the beat, sensitivity to partner and environment, clear lead that isn’t too forceful, decent musicality, a basic shine or two–is that too much to ask?) but still, it seems in a city of our size we should have enough good leads that a night isn’t ruined if 5 or so of them decide not to show up. There are at least 5 instructors teaching salsa in St. Louis. Over the course of a year, if each of us managed to jump start only TWO new leaders, that would mean TEN new guys to dance with. WOW. Wouldn’t that be just super?

Sounds easy, but it isn’t. I can personally say that between classes taught with Jeannie Kennedy at Flavor and my classes at COCA, we manage to get at LEAST two guys per year on the track towards salsa greatness. But what happens to them? Well, they go out into the wild world of SOCIAL dance and get eaten alive–BY FOLLOWERS! That’s right, ladies, we are in part to blame. We can spot a beginner a mile away and we avoid them (sometimes subtly, sometimes not), grimace while dancing with them, walk off the floor on them, say rude things to them. WOW, ladies, we’re not making it easier. If the guys were doing this stuff, we would all be talking about what jerkwads they were. But instead many of the advanced leaders have been very proactive about dancing with new followers giving them exposure to following technique and moves that will help them grow as dancers. Ok, they often do this because they think these girls are cute but IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE GETTING THEIR WISH! A community full of hottie followers and very few leaders–so they can each take their pick. Meanwhile, we cross our arms in a huff wondering why there aren’t more good leads to dance with and getting annoyed that the few good leaders we do have seem do dote constantly on the next PYT that is also at the moment an incredibly mediocre dancer.

But my purpose in writing this blog posting is not (only) to admonish the followers. It is also to advise and encourage the new leaders! To do this, I took a poll of some of the great followers in St. Louis, and boy where they honest! I’ll take you question by question and hopefully demystify for you why we followers behave the way we do, and how you as a beginner can adapt your approach and be a huge success on the dance floor!

First as a note to new leaders–I once heard that it takes three years to develop a good leader (and one year to develop a good follower). So, if after a few sessions of classes you find you’re still not able to steal the show at the club and ladies aren’t stumbling over each other to try and dance with you, don’t worry! Keep working at it diligently and you’ll get there one day!

Now, on to the data you REALLY wanted to see!

Methodology: Using SurveyMonkey, I asked St. Louis followers ten questions trying to gain some insight into what they do and why. All of the questions were multiple choice and presented in a random order for each respondent so as not to influence their answers. Followers were reassured that responses would be 100% confidential so that they could be completely honest.

1. At the end of a night of dancing, you go home happiest if (choose the most important of the factors below):
a. you had an adequate number of dances with leaders you consider to be “good” (76.2%)
b. the dj played slammin’ (excellent) music of all types (14.3%)
c. you got to spend some great quality time with your salsa friends (9.5%)
d. there was a *really* good drink special at the bar (0%)
e. you met a fine looking Dominican man you had never seen at Viva before (0%)

Analysis: Well, it is pretty clear–76.2% of followers put the highest priority on having good dances with good leaders. And by good, you can assume they mean at least intermediate or advanced in level. Don’t get me wrong, a beginner can have a good lead, too! But followers like some physical challenge (ie coolish moves). So until you can execute at least a few intermediate moves successfully pretty much all the time, count yourself out of this category.

Just as a note to the DJs and clubs out there–notice that 14.3% value good music. Now, as a music snob, I do like Marc Anthony but kind of the same way I like Britney Spears. It’s pop–not exactly the most musically rich. But I won’t go on that rampage today. The point is, people ARE listening to the music you play and deciding whether it is good or not. Does it randomly skip or stop before the song ends consistently? We notice and it annoys us and reflects upon your DJing skills. Do you play only one style or type of music? We notice that too, and we get bored. I personally stay away when it is a DJ who, in my experience, tends to play a HUGE percentage of breakneck speed songs, lots of 12-minute long cumbias, or tons of merengue. Also, ladies value hanging out with salsa friends. Hard to do when the music is loud enough to puncture an ear drum. It can be loud enough for hype with out causing premature hearing loss–trust me!

Interestingly, great drink specials and meeting hotties didn’t rank. AT ALL! Sorry, beefcakes–we don’t go out hoping to find a man to take home–we just want to DANCE! Ok, next question.

2. On the AVERAGE night, how many times do you ask someone to dance?
a. Never (4.8%)
b. 1-3 times (66.7%)
c. 4-8 times (28.6%)
d. 9 times or more (0%)

Analysis: This one actually surprised me. I didn’t realize that STL followers were so proactive about asking others to dance, and I’m kind of really proud! It seems that 95.3% of STL followers ask someone to dance 1-8 times per evening! But WHO are they asking? The next question sheds some light:

3. On the AVERAGE night, how many times to you *knowingly* ask a beginner leader to dance
a. Never (76.2 %)
b. 1-3 times (23.8%)
c. 4-8 times
d. 9 times or more

Analysis: Wow. This is staggering! 76.2% of advanced followers say they NEVER intentionally ask beginning to leaders to dance! We need to take note of this–both leaders AND followers. Leaders, if there is one thing you should take away from this piece of information it is DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! If you feel like the advanced ladies are stand-offish or unaccessible to you, it is probably because they are. But they’re avoiding all beginners, not just you! Why? You might think this just adds to your impression of advanced followers– that they’re elitist jerks.

Comparison Chart--shows beginning leads are rarely asked to dance by advanced followers

In some cases this might be true, but usually I think not, especially in St. Louis. Here is my interpretation–the data shows ladies want good dances with good dancers. That is what they SEEK when they go out dancing. You, beginner, will not be on her radar when, after sitting out 5 songs, she finally decides to take matters into her own hands by asking a leader to dance. Nothing against you personally.

At the same time, followers, MAN this is PATHETIC! If you consider that on a good night 15 of us might be out, and only 23% ask a beginner to dance–sheesh, that is only 2 or 3 of them! No wonder we are HURTING for leaders.

LEADERS–heads up! The next two questions are VERY important pertaining to your strategy in choosing WHO to invite to dance and WHEN. We’ll look at them together.

4. Scenario: A nice looking, well groomed gentleman who is clearly not drunk or a nasty approaches you and politely asks you to dance. You’ve never seen or heard of him before, but he seems nice enough and you LIKE the song that is playing. Are you most likely to:
a. Accept his offer to dance with a smile (95.2%)
b. Accept his offer to dance feeling vaguely annoyed that you are dancing with him rather than your favorite leader to dance with to this song (0%)
c. Decline and offer some kind of polite excuse (4.8%)
d. Just decline without any explanation (0%)

5. Scenario: A nice looking, well groomed gentleman who is clearly not drunk or a nasty approaches you and politely asks you to dance. You’ve never seen or heard of him before, but he seems nice enough. But an EXTREMELY fast salsa is playing. Are you most likely to:
a. Accept his offer to dance with a smile (38.1%)
b. Accept his offer to dance feeling vaguely annoyed that you are dancing with him rather than your favorite leader to dance with to this song (23.8%)
c. Decline and offer some kind of polite excuse (38.1%)
d. Just decline without any explanation (0%)

Analysis: Bottom line–beginners, don’t ask advanced followers to dance during fast songs! If you do, you are MUCH more likely to be turned down OR notice that she looks irritated or uninterested while you dance. I can’t reiterate this enough–you need to listen to the song first, ask her to dance second. There is nothing more miserable, for either party, than trudging through a fast, long salsa, barely clinging to the correct beat, completely unable to execute even basic moves on time. So don’t do this to yourself or to your perspective follower! Here is a chart to drive the point home for you visual learners:

Green means GO! She'll likely dance with you if the song is a reasonable pace (green bar). You're likely to be rejected or dance with a bitter follower if the song is too fast (red set. Red means STOP, remember?).

The more encouraging news is that if you seem normal and nice and you ask a more advanced follower on a reasonably paced song, 9 times out of 10 she will accept! Let me repeat that: 9 times out of 10 she will accept!!! Note the two conditions. 1. You have to seem normal and nice. 2. The song must be reasonably paced. I’ve seen many failing on #1, sadly. If you are half drunk, look stoned, smell stinky, or if the ladies previously spotted you grabbing another gal’s tush, ramming her carelessly into people or furniture on the dance floor, or yanking her arm out, you’ll probably get a no at worst or a hesitant yes at best. And trust me, word travels fast. If you are nasty or an unsafe dancer, we DO tell each other–immediately. Still need help with “normal and nice?” Well, that worries me, but here is a great facebook note that was written by a salsera in another city. It is called “An Open Letter to Creepy Leads.” Hopefully, that is not you, but read it anyway just to double check!

Followers– good work on this one. I think sitting out when beginners ask to dance to super fast songs is smart. It keeps us safe and should help beginners learn to be sensitive to the music. This is pretty basic–if they are taking classes, the instructor has likely shown/warned them that faster songs are more challenging to dance to. All the same, we can help them by turning down their dance and pointing out that the song is too fast. That will make things clear and hopefully help him to not take it personally.

Phew! That was a lot! So, lets say you have been asking ladies to dance during good songs, you’re normal and nice, and you STILL get turned down. She said she was “tired” or “resting,” but you didn’t believe her. Wanna know how likely it was she was telling the truth? You’ve heard horror stories about ladies leaving guys on the dance floor. Wanna know how many will admit to that? Of course you do! But you’ll have to wait for the second half of this posting, coming in just a few days. I wanted to save you from having to read a whole novel in one sitting. For now, chew on this, and keep dancin’!

AZUCAR!
(PS, Leaders, check out laurenwilmore.com for salsa classes that will help you SHINE on the dance floor!)

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